You Can Preset God's Area Code

        It’s CHRISTMAS holidays for Christ’s sake! In December, saying holiday without Christmas is a’kin to thinking dumplings with no chicken; putting peanut butter on light bread and forgetting the jelly; Bud Abbott without Lou Costello; pouring real sawmill gravy over those biscuits that come in a can; pinto beans sans the cornbread........ I could go on but you get the idea. Listen, don’t let a few anti-folks mess up your Christmas. You just apply the old Will Rogers saying, “Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects”.

           Besides, I’ve got more important things to think about today. I’ve got to buy Cathy a gift…..the clock is running! And I don’t think they make those Ronco Veg-i-matics any longer.

           After 34 years I’ve either bought it for her or I can’t think of what else on earth she might want or need. All four tires on her car look good. The Ginseng Steak knives are just as sharp as they were the Christmas I bought them for her. The stainless steel 3 speed mixer has seen very little use. And that winter coat I got her in 1999 still looks brand new.

           I strolled into the big electronic store hoping to catch a break. “Happy Holidays”, I was greeted by the twelve year old clerk with her name tag glued to her shirt.

           “Jennifer, there won’t nothing be happy about this holiday ’less you can come up with a peach of an idea on something that will be practical, useful, colorful, count as a really nice gift, please my wife and cost under twenty-five dollars.” She looked at me in stone silence. I reckon she was use to younger customers. She probably doesn’t even remember the Ronco Veg-i-mat-ic. “Young lady, our vacuum cleaner ain’t even ten years old. We have a t.v. and a HI-FI phonograph. Do you have any suggestions for a semi, sorta, kinda getting up there middle aged retired woman who really appreciates about any thing that won’t bite her or clash with the cobalt blue carpet in the living room?”

           I think the cat had my young attendants tongue. While we were awkwardly standing there I noticed her flying eagle (or dead muskrat, I couldn’t tell which) tattoo. My mind went to work on that. I could get Cathy a gift certificate for a tattoo! Now that would be innovative, clever and I bet would come as a great surprise. I just couldn’t see it as practical—

           “Have you thought about an ipod or a smart phone?” She could speak! “And your wife might like a Blu Ray or a PSP. We have the latest Wii and, of course, X Box 360. The new Tom Tom GPS is in and so is the Samsung Dualview. Does she like Avatar?”..… But it was some kind of foreign language!

           It was my turn to go silent.

           This Christmas buying gig is a lot harder than it used to be. 

           In 1957 you got ready for Christmas by going down to the basement of either J A Abernathy’s Hardware or Bailey Moore Wrinkle’s place just across the street. It was shopping made easy! I look back on it now and realize they both carried the same products but we’d spend hours in each store going over what Santa needed to bring us.

           We didn’t lean so much on the practical side back in those days. And every thing was in English. They had a stack of those Red Ryder gloves with the fringe on the side. And they had a Roy Rogers “fast draw” double holster gun set complete with tie down strings and rhinestones. You could test out a slinky. But the darts were taped behind the multi-colored target where you couldn’t reach them. They had Lincoln Logs and Tonka trucks with lights and a hood that would open. If you were careful they’d let you hold a Buck knife and wipe your finger along the blade. We tied the skates to our shoes and went for a test spin. You could sight down the B-B gun and get astride one of those Western Flyers. Mr. Abernathy and Mr. Wrinkle were always there to answer any of your questions and wink at your parents. We debated cost and color. We mulled over utility and lastibility. We “reasoned” on how much Santa could get down our small chimney. There was never any question as to what season we were celebrating. Or whose birthday it was. We were more afraid of offending God than any other person, group, thing or being!

           “Ma’am,” I was turning to leave, “You don’t perchance have that Fisher-Price toy dog where you pull the string in his mouth and the xylophone plays or maybe a Betsy Wetsey doll…….”

           I don’t think Cathy likes jewelry or perfume. She’s already got all six seasons of NCIS on tape. Everything in the kitchen works. Sears and Roebuck ain’t sent me a catalogue in decades. J A and Mr. Bailey Moore are out of business. It looks like a sweater year to me.

And believe it or not….you don’t have to defend God on this one. He can do that all by Himself…..and trust me here, He will at the exact time He chooses and in the exact manner that pleases Him! He can unplug them ipods and Blu Rays faster than you can say GPS!

If that “smart” phone is as it claims to be it wouldn’t have but one number on it……

Merry Christmas,

         Kes