Charlotte Didn't Need A Web!

“Kes, would you ask Ricky if he would mind speaking to his cousin and see if she would ask Ruth Ann to mention to Judy Faust, kinda casual and off the record like, if she would be interested in going out with a sophomore?”

I leaned in a little closer to make sure I got all of that. Valentine’s Day could be a tad more intricate when you got past elementary school!

“Why,” I tried to think clearly here, “don’t you just ask her straight out yourself?”

Skip didn’t bother to reply. We both knew the answer. We were at the age when knowing in advance if the girl would say yes was tantamount in asking someone for a date. Especially if a Valentine party hung in the balance.

And I know why Skip chose me. Rick and I were best friends. His first cousin, Pam, lived just around the corner from Ruth Ann. Judy Faust was a grade ahead of us. That was a sticking point to some. Ruth Ann could, and would, broach that intelligently. Skip was no dummy!

There were just a couple of flaws in this plan. Ship was depending on discrete discourse on all the parties involved. Well, you already know there were too many mouths involved here for that to happen. And there was one other little problem. I would have liked to ask Judy out myself!

Those were the days my friend…..

I broached the plan to Ricky at lunch. “Skip can’t ask her himself?” We munched on our cornbread and turnips in silence as we grappled to reconcile adolescence in search of the right Hallmark card. “Tell you what, I will do it but I need a favor from you.” Aw nuts, I’m on a merry-go-round! “If you will talk to Wesley and get him to persuade Ann Carol to ask her sister if she’d be interested in going out with me I’ll help you out.”

And there are people who think negotiating peace between Israel and Palestine is complicated.

I stopped Wesley on our way to basketball practice. He grinned, “I don’t think Rachel is old enough to date. Her parents are pretty strict, but I’ll check on it for you.”

Emily was on the tennis courts when I left the gym, heading for the house. “Kes, you got a minute?” Em was the best girl athlete in our school and a great friend. “Is David taking anyone to the Valentine dance?”

“I don’t have a clue.” My brother was fairly reticent, and if he had inclinations of even going to the shindig, I’d be the last to know.

“I think Kay likes him. Would you mention to him that she’d say yes if he asked her?”

What a day! And the 14th was still a week away!  

Leon was always a sounding board. That’s what big brothers were for. And I thought if I brought it up at supper, with David Mark sitting there, I could kill two birds with one stone. “Lon, give us a little advice on Valentine dating. Me and Dave might want to ask someone to the dance.”

“Buy them chocolates. And get the good stuff! The Whitman’s Sampler, the Godiva Gift Basket or ’bout anything from Russell Stover will work. You’ll really impress’em! But here’s the trick, and listen closely, just after you give it to them, but before they can get a piece to their mouth, casually mention that Billie Jean or Janie’s pole vaulting careers appear to be over with all that weight they’ve put on. You might add that neither will be able to get in a bathing suit come summer. They’ll be swimming with Moby Dick!”

“But Leon,” David was as baffled as me, “Billie and Janie are rail thin.”          

“That’s the point. Your date will immediately compare herself to those girls and ponder hard, but quickly, on the merits of one dangerously ‘pound packing’ morsel of candy. She will drop that chocolate like a hot rock! You get the girl, you score points for showing up with sweet gifts..…..and you get to eat all the candy yourself! Boys, this is fool proof! I didn’t get to be the Valentine King for nothing! Trust me.”

Our sounding board had a crack!

“Leon, we’ve got to find a girl first.”

“That’s easy, get some half moon taps for your shoes. Stand around on the side entrance to school and kick that concrete, making those sparks fly up. The girls will come a’running! Be sure to put a little extra Royal Crown on your flattop. Learn to play the guitar. And quit wearing socks. Buy yourself a pink and black shirt. Get a thin belt with the double buckles. If you can come up with a terminal illness, girls love that. Can either of you quote Shakespeare?”

I told David Mark flat out about Kay.

And I figured LaRenda, Jane, Brenda or Diane would laugh out loud if I attempted to ask them to go with me. I really wasn’t all that keen on dances anyway. Maybe I could join the French Foreign Legion…... This growing up stuff wasn’t as simple as Ozzie and Harriet made it out to—

“Kesley!” I about jumped out of my skin! Charlotte Melton jarred me back to the moment. “Are you going to ask me to the Valentine Dance or not? I’m getting tired of waiting!” Charlotte could be pretty direct. She rode horses, stacked hay, chewed up sawdust and spit out two by fours…. She was tougher than that middle linebacker for the Chicago Bears!

“Dang, Charlotte, you’re not supposed to ask me to my face! You’ve got to sneak around and get your sister to talk to Squeaky, who can mention it to Patti, who can call me aside and ‘give me the scoop’ when I go to buy baseball cards at her daddy’s store. It’s against the rules to just walk right up to me!”

Don’t be too hard on Charlotte, we were all learning on the fly.

                Happy Valentine’s,

                          Kes