Cranks My Tractor

People often ask me, “Where are you from?”As the word rolls out of my mouth, I can see the first opinion folks have of me. I say it like it should be said and like you would think someone from “down there” would say it. When I say “Alabama,” I watch the asking person’s eyes. Folks generally give away what they are holding (or thinking) with their eyes.

It’s usually pretty easy to hone in on someone who is thinking, “This guy may be a redneck.”

What most of the general public do not understand is that there are definite shades of red. If you are looking at the scale from left to right, you start with pink on the left and keep getting “redder” until you get all of the way to the right where you have this nice brown or mahogany red.

In the middle, you have your true or “genuine reds.” These are the folks you can depend on and you want on your side when the time comes. These genuine reds also understand that sooner or later, the time will come.

Starting on the far left, those in the pink just dabble in what they think being a redneck is or what the general public thinks a redneck is anyway. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this color of red only applies to women, there are more pink men than you can shake a stick at.

With “far left rednecks,” you have folks that have cowboy boots that have never gotten dirty, blue jeans that are starched, big rodeo belt buckles for no apparent reason, trucks that have never seen a dirt road and the younger generation plays a lot of paintball where they shoot at each other with little paint filled balls.

These “pinkies” will play country music if they think it will impress folks, but they generally won’t if they are alone. If they come up on a fellow having car trouble in the dark of night, they will generally call a few friends and discuss it with them, possibly their own mother, but they won’t stop.

Let’s go all the way over to the right, to the rednecks in the dark brown mahoganyish color. These are the rednecks that give the true rednecks (those in the middle) a bad name. These are the rednecks that will get you hurt (quickly).

With “far right rednecks,” you have folks that have cowboy boots that have holes in the toes. These holes in the toes were caused by guns, chainsaws or possibly a butter knife. Everything becomes a weapon to the “mahogany redneck.” Whereas a pinky redneck has never started their chainsaw, the mahogany red has torn up five in the last year and is proud of it.

The mahogany red has a big rodeo belt buckle that he or she not only wears, but displays at home in a nice mahogany case. Still, there is no apparent reason for these folks having a rodeo belt buckle; they probably get sick at the sight of a calf being born.

The trucks of mahogany reds are covered in dirt and mud and the only time they clean the dirt or mud off is so that you can see their bumper stickers declaring that they are truly rednecks. An FYI – If you have to yell and scream and put stickers on your truck that you are something, it is a dead giveaway that you are not.

Mahogany reds’ boots are generally just like their trucks, covered in mud and dirt. However, the reason their boots are covered in dirt and mud is that they are all the time having to get their trucks unstuck from places they didn’t need to be. They also play a lot of paintball, but prefer playing when they can get muddy or shoot each other at close range in the face.

These mahogany reds play country music loud with the windows down; they think every country song is about them. If they come up on a fellow having car trouble in the dark of night, they will generally do one of two things. They will either roll down the window and throw a half full can of beer at them as they drive by or they will stop and try to help the person to no avail. Please note that you should stay very far away from a mahogany red if they are jacking up a car, trying to jump a car off or handling gasoline.

Bad things happen.

So what about the rednecks in the middle of the shades of red? Well these are the folks that you do want to be around. They are “genuine reds.”

With genuine reds, you can’t tell by the shoes on their feet. They may be boots, they may be dress shoes, they may be tennis shoes or they may be high heels (women). So don’t be concerned about the shoes on their feet.

If the genuine red has a chainsaw and/or a truck, the chances are he or she has had it a long time. It might even have been their father’s. Genuine reds take care of things. If they have a four wheel drive, it’s because they need a four wheel drive. If the genuine red has a rodeo belt buckle, he or she either earned it or it was earned by their Uncle Roy or Aunt Sally. The bottom line is that if a genuine red didn’t earn it, they don’t want it.

Genuine reds play country music if that’s their cup of tea, but they aren’t afraid to listen to something else. They know Elvis is dead, but they will say “anything is possible,” if it makes their mother feel better.

Being in the middle of the shades of red is about balance and about not having to put a bunch of bumper stickers on your truck or car to say who you are. These people show you who they are without “showing you.”

If a genuine red comes up on a fellow having car trouble in the dark of night, they might ease up beside the fellow and crack the window, then offer to let them use their cell phone. Also, they might sit there until someone else shows up. If they know what they are doing (and only if they know), they will help the fellow.

It takes all kinds, but you want a lot of genuine red friends to depend on, a few pinkies to feel sorry for and one or two mahogany reds for entertainment and to point at and say, “You give the rest of us a bad name.”

Where do genuine red rednecks come from?

Everywhere.

How smart are they?

As smart as they need to be.

What do the stickers on their cars say?

Usually something like “Next Oil Change due at 70,000 miles.”

Find more stories at www.CranksMyTractor.com.