It Pays to Play Golf

I'm about to become rich. And boys, I believe this one is fool proof! It is going to take a few weeks to develop...but I've got time.

I'm fixing to open up a tattoo removal business. Wait! Don't start calling me yet! I've got to order some 40 grit sandpaper and a skin grafting adapter kit. I don't have all the kinks worked out this morning. But listen, with all the tattoos out there now, you just know there's a crowd wanting to erase something that seemed so "boss" when they were nineteen...but it's not quite as intriguing when they turn sixty-one.

As you might have already suspected, this is way too brilliant an idea for me to come up with on my own. I was playing golf last week-end with Phil Smartt and Dwight Belew. They both hit drives that split the middle of the fairway. I pushed one into the backyard of the house some idiot had placed ridiculously close to the golf course. On the next hole they bombed drives right down the heart again. I pulled mine into a drainage pond that was so far left I didn't even see it when I teed up. I was putting out for an eleven on the third hole when Phil suggested, "Kes, have you thought about other hobbies?"

Dwight, almost too quickly, added, "There's got to be something you can do besides golf."

We hadn't finished the front nine before they came up with this tattoo removal thing. I tell you, these guys are brilliant! I'm afraid my golf game suffered as my mind drifted back to Joyce Casey and Delbert Weatherly.

They were quite a couple when we were in the tenth grade. You never saw one without the other. One late August afternoon in 1963 Joyce slipped into the back room of Maxine's Golden Coiffure's Beauty Salon and to the amazement of her family and friends had "Delbert" tattooed across the top of her left shoulder. Maxine had set it in amongst some roses or geraniums or some kind of flowers and it truly didn't look half bad. Joyce proudly showed it off to us on the first day back at school our junior year.

Mr. and Mrs. Casey didn't share our enthusiasm for the marking. I never did find out if they were anti-tattoos or Delbert just wasn't what they had in mind for a son-in-law. It quickly became a moot point. Sometime over the Thanksgiving holiday, Joyce ran off with one of those Trull boys that lived out on the Huntingdon highway.

Joyce could have been my first client. I have sat and wondered for years how she explained exactly who "Delbert" was to her children and grandchildren.

Mary E. Pendleton had a black widow tattooed on her neck. It was kinda creepy the way it always appeared to be crawling out of her blouse. David Mark said it was to keep the boys from being too aggressive. Last I heard Mary E. was still single. I bet she'd pay any price today to get that thing removed!

Do you see how big this can become?

If I'd been half as smart as Phil or Dwight, I would have spent my evenings down at Maxine's, encouraging my friends to let her draw Paul Newman's eyes, a golden sunset, a favorite horse or the name of the current partner on some part of their anatomy. By day Maxine specialized in those blown up, bouffant hair dos. But the hair dressing business in our little town was pretty lax except for Easter and homecoming week. Maxine took up tattooing as a way to pick up extra cash.

Uncle Harvey came home from the war with a couple of hula dancers tattooed on his forearm. He could make a fist and the girls would dance. Aunt Flo, every year or so, had Maxine add a little more grass to the skirt. If I had just been in business back then I could have eased Aunt Flo's mind in one easy, simple operation. Well, I'm hoping, when I get set up properly, that it will be easy and simple and mostly painless.

We may start with 100 grit paper and move to the heavy stuff if we can't get the dark blue ink to turn loose. I haven't worked out all the bugs yet. I do have an orbital, disc and belt sander out in the garage. And it surely can't take much sulfuric acid with each removal. I'm figuring I can get going in the business with little to no overhead.

It shouldn't take much advertisement. There are so many tattoos out there today---they can't all be wanted! When the word gets out, I bet people who dated Penelope for years but married Mary Ann will come flocking in. I'll see ladies that once were enamored with the circus who now like snow covered mountains and seagulls. There will be sailors who passed through Singapore that forgot they were married. A good looking tattoo done in 1971 on a petite model may have "rambled" a tad with the addition of thirty-five years and seventy pounds. After we've been in the business for a day or two I will be able to offer alterations and make-overs.

We aim to make a pretty good living just working with retired NBA players.

I figure we can franchise this thing in a few months. We'll get Wal-mart to put us in there between the eye care center and the pharmacy. We'll set up custom vans and go to people's homes. ESPN and the Home Shopping Network will come and interview us. Our business cards will say, "Let us give you a clean slate". Or maybe, "New girl friend, NO PROBLEM". Or my personal favorite, "Tattoos Tattooed...while you wait".

I naturally have to let Dwight and Phil in on this deal. I figure once we get to rolling, there will be plenty of money to go around. So if you are thinking about a tattoo, go ahead! If you discover in a few years "it is not you", don't worry or fret, come to see us.

I'm telling you, this is fool proof...

Respectfully,

Kes