Bass Weejuns Settled My Stomach

Published: Thursday, October 17, 2013 at 09:02 AM.

One year I concentrated on the side shows. I paid a dime to see a two headed calf. The picture outside showed a big cow with definitely two heads looking in opposite directions. Inside, the actual calf was a miniature thing in a large jar of formaldehyde that could, if you looked closely, be a two headed calf. Of course, it could also just have been a miniature thing in a jar.

I paid another dime to see the bearded lady. She had a big black beard all right. But she was up on this raised stage and I couldn’t get close enough to give it a yank. She might have been on the up and up……but I don’t know to this day if what I saw was what I saw.

I had no luck pitching pennies into the shallow glass saucers. I threw softballs at stacked up bowling pins. I shot a BB gun at moving targets. If I did win a prize it was never the big teddy bear. I always got stuck with the psychedelic pencil with the feathers sticking out where the eraser ought to be or those Chinese handcuff things where you stuck a finger in each end.

One year I went over to the livestock show. I walked around looking at chickens, pigs and cows for an hour before it dawned on me—we had chicken, pigs and cows at the house. What was I doing wasting my time here! I got so distraught I ate two foot longs, a fudge brownie and a green candied apple. And then I rode the scrambler. That machine was aptly named. It pushed my liver up beside my thorax, my left lung dropped below my right kidney, my esophagus was thrown plum out of my body and I didn’t find my pituitary gland until years later when I took an army physical. It was the sickest I’ve ever been!

I was surprised in high school when Billie Jean insisted that I take her to the fair. She was the first girl I’d ever really dated. I bought a new pair of Bass Weejuns “penny loafers” to impress her. Of course, I was too cool for socks and my new Haggar pants really set those shoes off.

We’d just started down the mid way when she suggested we get some food.

“No” I stated rather emphatically.

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