Perry Mason Wouldn’t Take This Case

Published: Tuesday, November 6, 2012 at 12:26 PM.

One of the Jaycees had showed up down at he jail to complain about the pumpkin scare that took place right in the middle of their Haunted House fund raiser. Daddy, before I had a chance to object or defend myself, whipped me again! THAT’S DOUBLE JEOPARDY! And that’s not legal.

If I’d only had a law book…..Daddy was in no reading mood but maybe I could have stuck it to my backside and deflected a couple of licks. Now, I go to bed thinking I’ve been punished twice for the same crime and something ain’t right here. I’m only fourteen and not versed in legal matters but it seems my habeas corpus had been nolo contendered!

I was all set to tell him about it at breakfast the next morning when he got the call about the dead gold fish in the pond up on the square. Folks, Ricky threw that pumpkin in amongst the fish. Yogi lit the fuse. I was just standing back behind the World War I cannon so I wouldn’t get wet. I didn’t really have anything to do with the actual—Daddy whipped me before I had even buttered my biscuit. I’m wondering now about the statute of limitations. This crime was past history. I had been jerked up from the Halloween Carnival, hauled down to the jail house, held against my will and whipped three times pretty hard for what I considered ONE lapse of judgment. Jim Dick didn’t even read us our rights. Daddy was more geared to the wrongs than the “rights” here. He was pulling some kind of ex post facto judo on me.

I limped to school the following Monday. I couldn’t hardly sit in those hard oak desks. Me, Jerry, Squeaky, Yogi and the other culprits commiserated at lunch. We compared backsides at Phys Ed. We tried to blame each other for “pumpkin-gate” but we couldn’t even remember who came up with the idea. We even laughed a little when we thought of how funny this would be in years to come. “Making memories” was the way Billy B. put it. It was the price you paid for a moment of fame.

I felt a little better till I got home that afternoon. Daddy was holding the bill for the broken glass at the Tri-County Electric. Now, I know something is haywire! That pumpkin was fifteen feet away from that door when it “went off”. We had been framed! There was no way—

Daddy had seen and heard enough for the past three days. He whipped me again! And folks, that’s quadruple jeopardy, I don’t care who your lawyer is.

Respectfully,



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