Cranks My Tractor

Published: Thursday, August 29, 2013 at 08:58 AM.

In 1527 Narváez had received a “royal commission” to subdue and plunder Florida.  Just think of all the nice things he could have taken home.

In addition to the inflatable alligators, sharks, killer whales and ducks, he could have taken home loads of orange, yellow and lime green t-shirts and hats.  The Mexican jumping beans, sand crabs, shells imported from the Philippines and little bottles of sand art would have also been hits with the royalty and empire builders back home.

Why do they need to import shells from the Philippines to sell in the Florida Panhandle beach stores?

I’m sure they would have been impressed that Narváez got a free sand crab with every cage he purchased.  I do wonder if he would have gotten a mile or two offshore and decided that the sand crabs needed to be set free as I often have.

The beer opener key chains could have been puzzling at first, but I’m sure they would have figured out something nifty to do with them.  The refrigerator magnets could have been stuck to their helmets and other armor I suppose.

I can just see Pánfilo de Narváez showing up with an airbrushed t-shirt with an “I Heart Maria” artistically and tastefully painted on it and one in a plastic bag saying “Pánfilo Cranks My Tractor” for his wife.

All the Spanish conquistador fellows on the boat would be wearing cheap sunglasses and flip-flops carrying bamboo back scratchers that had a way of hitting all the right places under their armor.

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