The Colorado Senate is mulling over Bill 196 which would hold all gun companies liable if one of their products is used in an incident that injures someone.

The Colorado Senate is mulling over Bill 196 which would hold all gun companies liable if one of their products is used in an incident that injures someone. Let’s see here, if I can understand this right, basically this law is saying that if Browning or Remington made a shotgun in 1960 and fifty-three years later some nincompoop accidently or otherwise shoots someone, the original manufacturer is responsible for the damages.

I say it’s about time! I’ve been waiting years for this day!

And my beef is not with Smith and Wesson. It’s the Gerber Food Company. My Mother bought jar after jar of their strained bananas and forcibly shoved them down my young throat. Naturally, it warped me for life! It wasn’t just the terrible taste. It was the runny consistency of the crushed bananas racing through my innocent body that wakes me up in the middle of the night to this day. Ye gads! Someone should shoulder the blame for how I turned out!

I couldn’t sue Mother. But I can go after those Gerber folks with absolutely no qualms. And I’m not alone here. I could name you plenty of classmates growing up that had “problems” above the norm. I’m talking about crib fights that lingered into junior high. Shouting matches enhanced by strained banana additives. You just know the ripe bananas made their way to the grocers’ shelf. If they lasted a tad too long they became banana nut bread……..I can only imagine how “ripe” they were when they got squeezed into those little bottles. And that pin-up Gerber baby was smiling from the label just like everything was on the up and up! I’m thinking big time restitution is due me.

We do it with oil spills, why not baby food?

The Buster Brown Shoe Company would be my next target. You talk about false advertisement. Buster might have had the worst haircut I ever saw but he looked almighty content adorning each box of shoes the manufacturer turned out. He was happily extolling the virtues of the style and good looks of his footwear. I can’t remember exactly what he said about comfort. But he failed to mention altogether the amount of concrete and pig iron used in the production of each and every single shoe they made! And I was getting these skillets second hand. My older brother would wear them for a year, sometimes two, and he couldn’t put a dent in them! 

I limped until Coach Camp issued me a pair of those Chuck Taylor All Star basketball shoes in high school. I figure Buster owes me something for all the pain and injury he caused me in my formative years.

I don’t know who made Cod Liver Oil. I hope it was those Johnson and Johnson folks. If this Bill in Colorado passes, I’m going looking for them! That stuff was vile! Mother, as she lined us up and poured a tablespoon full down us each morning, allowed that the vitamins and natural minerals would protect us from rickets, build up our immune systems, strengthen our teeth, hair and bones and give us an energy boost to “be our best” during the day. It was all hype; no one actually knew the long term effect of the fatty acids involved. Company officials remain suspiciously mum on the subject till this day! 

We’d never seen a cod fish but the name kinda said it all for us. And the fact that I daily partook of some of their liver had me quivering this morning. It looked like it came from a pre-historic tar pit! It smelled like the scum off of Mr. Archie Moore’s pond after it had simmered in the sun all day! And it tasted like regurgitated prune juice on steroids! You remember how awful that S.S.S Tonic was? Well, let me tell you something, up next to Cod Liver Oil, S.S.S. Tonic tasted like a chocolate sundae with whipped cream on top!

Mom gave it to us for our health. There has got to be some humor there for sure! The Cod Liver Oil people should have provided counselors at the very least. It’s a clear case of abuse if ever I saw it! Someone in the company or down at the boat docks or deep in the ocean where they dredged those cods up ought to be held accountable.

Silly you say. I’ve seen stranger things in this country. And there is no stopping once we get rolling on making manufacturers liable for everything they’ve ever produced in the history of the known world. I got fined for running a stop sign once. It was late at night and I could barely see the blooming signal! It should have been lighted or painted some iridescent orange color or placed in the middle of the road instead of way over on the side. I want my money back!

Listen, I could have easily been Valedictorian of my high school class. I only missed it by sixty-one people. That was bad teaching on someone’s part. Mr. Warren and the school board let me down. I could go after Random House or McGraw-Hill for producing faulty textbooks.

I’m just getting warmed up here. I ate a can of Redbird Vienna Sausage once……